Her daughter had diligently nursed her mother for four long months of failing health, but had needed a respite, and that’s where I came in. How could she have known it would be this quick and when she was not there? I made the difficult phone call. Her daughter was overwhelmed by grief and guilt about not being by her mother’s side. After comforting the daughter as best I could, I told her that her mother had deserved—worked hard, endured hardship—and had earned her rest. Besides, there was no doubt in my mind when I told her "You will see your mother again." How could I tell her that God says the day of one’s death is better than one’s birth? It seems when our parent dies we focus on our needs and our emotions instead of their blessed release.

So, why do we carry so much emotional and psychological baggage when it comes to our parents? Maybe it’s because we don’t see our parents as people or individuals. As adults we tend to see our parents as how they did or did not fulfill our needs, wants, and desires as a child, never stopping to think that maybe mom and dad had needs, goals, unfulfilled dreams and fears, just like we do and that they did the best they could. Most parents gladly give up their lives to serve and provide for their children; juggling many demanding roles during their lifetime. I certainly learned much about this amazing woman for the dozen days I cared for her. She read the newspaper cover to cover every morning. She had been an avid gardener, a faithful wife, a mother of three, as well as a much respected and beloved matriarch of her community. Neighbours flocked to her door. She had faced many trials, including her own serious health issues, with grit, humour, dignity, and strength of character. I will always value my time with her.

I’ve also had to face the eventual loss of my own mother who is now 98. She has never been one to share her feelings and I’ve never been close to her as I would have liked. What could I say when she died? Was I just viewing her with horse blinders on? What was she like as a girl and woman rather than just my mother? Writing a eulogy, brought to light the grit and resilience this woman showed during her lifetime. Going through the dirty thirties was a trial; pregnant with her first boy, my parents were so poor my mother went into a home for unwed mothers so she would get enough to eat. When I was born the lights went out in the hospital (Vancouver, BC) after the Japanese attack in Pearl Harbour. A tiny five pounds, I slept in a dresser drawer; she was afraid the rats would eat me during the night. When she was a girl she had a good distance to walk to school so her mother bought her an old horse which she had paid two dollars for. My mother wasn’t going to ride this "old Plug", as she called him, so she made a deal with a neighbouring farm family—if she could use their pony she would bring their cows into the barn at night. They said "Sure thing". I learned my mother was quiet but she knew what she wanted.

Sometime children’s lifelong perception of their parents is inaccurate and shallow. Susan Swan, Novelist and Humanities Professor wrote "if I had sent my father a letter a few years ago, I would have written something like this: "Dear Dad, Thanks a lot, you narcissistic {so and so#*!} for ignoring me most of my childhood and giving all your time to your patients instead of your family." She goes on to say "If I sent a letter now, I might write: Dear Dad, Why has it taken me all these years to see you as a person and to understand that your reasons for working so hard as a country doctor had nothing to do with me? Your early death was tragic, but your values of judiciousness, loyalty and compassion for others have been a moral compass all my life." Her father worked 80 hours a week…operated from 8-12, had office hours all afternoon, came home at six for supper, By seven, he saw patients at his office till 9 and then set out on house calls till 11 pm. She says "I am 63 now, a year older than my father was when he died, and it’s taken me all this time to understand that I’ve spent much of my life searching for a way to keep my father close…I wanted him for myself…."(Readers Digest June/2009)

Keep in mind what Paul said: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4:8,9 NIV).